i wasn't ready for this

i don't know how many times a day i think to myself, 

"i wasn't prepared for this..."

this mess

this lack of sleep

this never-growing-smaller mountain of laundry

this responsibility

this change

this exhaustion that i feel at the end of the day

this joy

this hurt

this sharing of every inch of my body, space and time

this laughter

this hard, hard work of being entirely in charge of another person's life

i thought it again the other day when i was standing in the kitchen having one of those awake dreams...the kind you have when you are so tired that you are looking at a task but not moving because you are watching yourself do something else....i promise, i'm not on drugs.
the baby was up most of the night.
teeth...who needs 'em??

anywhoos...it was right in the middle of that awake dream that this sweet tulip woke up from a 15 minute nap and called it good.

WHAT??!?!

i'm not ready for you to get up

i have supper to prepare

bills to pay

bathrooms to scrub

and all the blogs and facebook posts are telling me that I NEED TO TAKE SOME TIME FOR ME!!

you want to do what?
paint?!
i'm not really ready for huge sheets of paper and wet paint covering every square inch of my tiny kitchen

i look at the looming tower of dishes
panic is rising in my chest
tears are scorching the backs of my eyes

if you've never had a tribe of little people running around at half-height in your home, this all might sound a bit dramatic to you

but, i assure you, this scenario is common place in my home

and any mother out there will tell you that a 15 minute nap when you were counting on two hours will strike fear in your heart equal to a hungry bear crashing through your living room window.

it's at this point that
I realize:

my life is over.

OVER.

this is not MY life anymore

it's hers...and theirs...and ours

ultimately, it's HIS and He gave it to them...so my life?

my life is over.

there's something freeing about that realization

and instead of all the things i SHOULD be doing,

i GET to sit down and paint with a funny 2-year-old

a 2-year-old who is going to be a little bit bigger tomorrow than she is today.

i'm learning.

i'm letting go.

but i'm still thinking...

i wasn't ready for this.

i wasn't ready for any of it.

for a long time, i was single.

then i was married.
just like that.
one day.
one altar.
one decision.
one vow.
no matter what...forever.

i wasn't ready for it.

one day i lived in an apartment

the next day, after signing my name dozens of times, i owned a home.
and all the problems that go with it.

again...not ready.

one day i was a college student.

then i was a teacher.

just like that.
graduation.
application.
interview.
job.

and i wasn't ready for a classroom full of staring eyes and minds full of a million questions.

most of which i didn't know the answers to.

i had prepared, but i wasn't really ready.

one day life was all about me.

then i became a parent.

hello!

no book, no amount of time, no advice could have prepared me for walking into that wild, sacred unknown.

but you'll never do big things if you wait until you're ready, right?

dare i say that love is NOT the thing keeping this family together?

in a time and space where marriages are disposable

the thing that is keeping THIS family together is commitment.

that's the root.

love is an emotion - a beautiful one.

but when love walks out the door and anger, frustration and bewilderment (she just did WHAT??!) walk in

well...at those moments you're going to need something that tells emotion to take a hike

commitment is a decision.

we stick together.

when the house is a mess.

when we are fed up.

when we are tired and sick and ugly.

we are committed to making this work.

it's not the fairy tale i once thought it was going to be...

it's a little chaotic
and a lot messy.
but it's ours.

no giving up.

no throwing in the towel.

and when i think of who i WAS when i THOUGHT i was ready...

back when my body was more perfect

i had time to go shopping, pick out cute clothes, do my hair and make up and get all the rest i needed....well, i don't really admire that person nearly as much as the one that is looking at me in the mirror today.

maybe parenthood is the thing that turns us into the people we should have been all along.